The Green Flag Bank
Here is a collection of green flags to look out for when courting for marriage. These are positive signs that highlight strong character and healthy relationship potential.
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He is curious about you and asks questions to get to know more about you. The questions are not surface level, he goes deeper to understand your values and goals.
His communication with you is consistent and at a steady pace.
He reaches out regularly without you always initiating.
You feel seen and heard by him. He acknowledges your opinions or concerns and validates your feelings. He listens to you to understand your point of view and to try to work with you.
He talks with you and not at you. He communicates to build a connection with you. He asks about your goals, views and experiences and shares his perspective. You feel heard, emotionally safe and connected with him.
When there is a disagreement, he doesn’t shout or shut you down. He is calm, patient and listens. He knows how to regulate his emotions.
He acknowledges where he is in the wrong and apologises.
He balances light-hearted chats with meaningful conversations
When communicating he is focused and engaged with you. If meeting in person, he puts his phone away and his body is facing you and he is making eye contact with you. If on the phone, he responds to let you know he is listening. He is present with you when you communicate, and the conversation flows naturally.
He openly shares information about himself with you such as his full name, date of birth, where he works, where he lives, his social media handles etc as he has nothing to hide and wants you to know about him.
He shares information about his previous marriage(s)/previous relationship(s) and divorce. He doesn’t blame his ex-wife/ex-fiancée for the marriage or relationship ending but takes accountability on his part. He speaks respectfully about his ex.
You find that his story is consistent throughout and he is truthful.
He is happy to involve your wali or a trusted third party in your conversations as he has nothing to hide and wants to ensure that you feel safe and comfortable.
His effort matches his words he shows seriousness, not just says it.
He is comfortable sharing his thoughts and feelings on various topics. He is not afraid in expressing how he feels, whether he is excited about marriage or sharing a story about a difficult situation in the past.
He is marriage minded and intentional. He openly talks about the future with you and discusses plans and how he sees marriage playing out.
You feel safe expressing your feelings or concerns with him. You feel you can be your authentic self around him and talk openly even the difficult conversations because he validates your feelings.
He is consistent with his communication. He texts when he says he is going text; he calls when he says he is going to call. He meets you when he says he will meet you. If he is busy and is late in texting or calling, or needs to rearrange meeting you, he lets you know and doesn’t leave you in the dark.
He is present and connected with you during conversations.
He doesn’t run away after a tough conversation. He is mature enough to engage in a difficult conversation with you in a healthy manner. The tough conversations doesn’t change how he feels about you and how he communicates with you.
You don’t feel embarrassed or shamed in bringing something to him as he understands that your concerns are important and he wants to understand you and show that he supports you.
He listens to you not to respond to you but to understand you.
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He states early on that he is looking for marriage and not casual relationship.
He openly talks about timelines and practical next steps.
He is intentional about marriage and willing to introduce you to his family and support network early in the talking stages.
He openly talks about timelines and practical next steps.
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He is happy to get family involved at the outset of the talking stage. He has a timeline of how long he wants to get to know you and when he wants to get married by.
He is intentional in the questions he asks. He asks questions to determine compatibility and to get to know more about you.
He is clear in how he feels about you and where the relationship is going. His actions match his words. He communicates openly and honestly with you throughout the courtship.
His behaviour shows marriage is the goal. He introduces you to family, making plans, etc.
He is respectful across all settings from the way he treats you, family, friends, and strangers with the same level of respect.
How he behaves early on is how he continues over time, not just in the “honeymoon” stage
He is consistent in his Islamic standards. He observes the faith and that is reflected in his actions and how he treats you and speaks to you. He respects your boundaries and speaks to you respectfully.
He is consistent in his life story from his past relationships and work history to his future life goals. He has a clear sense of direction of his purpose in life and communicates this with you clearly.
He is regular in his communication with you. He lets you know what he is up to during the day, if he is busy, he lets you know. He doesn’t disappear for days without an explanation.
His words match his actions. If he says he’s going to call you by a certain time he calls you. If he makes plans to meet you, he meets you.
He keeps promises even on small things such as following up on something he said.
He doesn’t pressure you into getting married quickly and gives you the time you need to ask him questions and to get to know him before deciding. He openly communicates and agrees a timeframe with you for marriage.
He is steady in his effort and doesn’t start off strong and then suddenly withdraw.
He is emotionally stable. His mood and treatment of you don’t swing dramatically.
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He takes accountability and works on his personal growth. He has emotional intelligence as he shows willingness to grow in areas he is lacking, and he is taking active steps.
He has a growth mindset and self reflects on his actions/behaviours and learns from his past mistakes. If something hasn’t work out, he takes personal responsibility and is accountable for his role.
If he has been through trauma, he is self-aware to go to therapy and work through his past traumas to heal himself so he doesn’t carry patterns from the past into his next relationship. His self-accountability to seek help is a sign of his willingness to grow and that he is ready to handle the emotional demands of marriage.
He is open to receiving feedback. He openly listens to you and considers when you express a concern or sets a boundary.
He owns his mistakes instead of blaming others, he acknowledges when he is in the wrong.
He apologises sincerely not just with words but with changed behaviour.
He doesn’t play the victim card and takes responsibility for his role in situations rather than always blaming others. This is a sign of emotional maturity,
He admits his limitations and feels comfortable saying “I don’t know” or “I need to work on this.”
He is honest about his triggers. If he struggles with something (stress, anger, time management), he names it and works on it.
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He is honest about his marital status from the start. If he is divorced, he lets you know the reasons why and if he has children, he lets you know early on about his children and his relationship with them.
He tells you the truth about his basic information such as his age, background, where he works, his educational background and immigration status. He openly discloses information about himself and happy to answer any questions you have.
He is clear about his intentions for marriage. He agrees to meet and speak to your Wali. He respects your boundaries and happy to involve families early on.
His communication with you has been consistent and transparent throughout. His narrative about his work, family, education etc has been consistent.
He openly and willing shares information about himself including topics such as financial debt or prior engagements. He shares the information without you needing to bring up the topic.
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He speaks to you with respect. He listens to your thoughts and opinions, and values what you share. Even when your opinions differ, he respects your opinions and doesn’t dismiss you.
He sees marriage as a mutual commitment and gives you his attention without you needing to ask him.
He is humble when speaking about his accomplishments, status or wealth. He thanks Allah swt for the blessings in his life.
He does not judge your level of religiosity and does not compare you to his level. He understands that you are on your own journey spiritually and is supportive of your spiritual development.
He is respectful and kind towards others such as serving staff, waitress and strangers. He speaks respectfully about others.
He is not quick to lose his temper and is able to regulate his emotions in a healthy manner. If he is upset or angry about something he doesn’t take it out on you but expresses why is angry or upset. He doesn’t let his emotions control him or use it to punish you.
He doesn’t overreact over small disagreements or minor things. He shows his emotional maturity by discussing issues calmly.
If there is a conflict, he approaches it with calmness and an open mind to resolve it. He listens and takes on your views. He handles conflict with emotional maturity.
He never raises his voice during a disagreement. He speaks to you calmly and with patience. You feel safe to approach any issues with him to discuss.
If things don’t go to plan, he doesn’t become frustrated or irritated. He accepts that plans may change and approaches things with maturity and rationally.
He doesn’t use Islam as an excuse for poor behaviour. He is self-aware and he acknowledges when he is in the wrong and apologises. He doesn’t repeat the same pattern, but grows from past mistakes.
He accepts you as you are, including the way you dress and your circle of friends. He doesn’t try to change you to fit his idea of he wants his partner to be.
You feel safe, seen and heard when you are with him. You are comfortable being vulnerable and being yourself and he accepts you as you are.
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He takes accountability and acknowledges his role in the break down in past relationship(s) and doesn’t place the blame on his ex-wife/ex-fiancée. He demonstrates growth and lessons learned.
He speaks respectfully about respectfully about past relationships.
If his engagement or marriage ended following attempts to repair the relationship by seeking counselling then it’s a sign that he has good conflict resolution skills, is open in making effort to resolve issue and seeks professional help to try and repair the relationship.
If he is transparent about his previous marriage(s), discusses what went wrong, what he has learnt from the marriage and took time out to heal, it is a sign of emotional maturity and personal growth.
If he has had a past relationships outside of marriage and is remorseful and has moved away from that life, it’s a sign that he is sincere, is aware of areas of personal growth and takes accountability of past mistakes.
What he looks for in a partner isn’t based on an ideal or fantasy, but he is focused on looking for a partner based on her character, qualities and values. This is a sign of emotional maturity.
If he hasn’t been in a committed relationship and he is well into his 30s/40s but has provided a reasonable explanation such as working on his career or finances, looking after a sick relative, battling an illness or he has tried to get married but Allah has not decreed it for him yet.
He shows consistency in how he approaches relationships.
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He respects Islam, its teachings and rulings. He takes time to seek knowledge to grow spiritually and improve his Islamic practice. He supports your spiritual growth.
He sees marriage as an act of worship and is intentional about building a home rooted in Islamic values and shared worship. He views the goal of marriage is worshipping Allah and attaining Jannah together.
He followers the five pillars of Islam. He prays, fasts and pay zakat etc. He is aware of areas that require improvement and is constantly working towards growing religiously.
He doesn’t use Islam to control you or to manipulate you. He actively seeks knowledge and respects views of Islamic scholars. He believes in spiritual growth as a couple.
Islam is a way of life for him. He uses Islam to uplift and as a guidance in his life. He practices compassion and mercy and God-conscious in everything he does.
He wants to involve your wali during courtship to ensure he is following Islamic principles and he is open to discussing shared religious goals.
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He supports your educational and career goals and is curious to learn more about it and how he can support you in marriage to achieve your goals.
He supports your involvement in the community whether its charity work or serving your local mosque. He views women’s presence in the community to serve as positive.
He supports your goals and dreams in life and doesn’t expect you to sacrifice them after marriage. He sees marriage is a partnership and is open to supporting you achieve your goals.
He is aware that Islam does not confine a woman to the home, but Islam encourages women to seek education, knowledge and to serve their community by looking at examples in Islamic history.
He is not imitated by your success and achievements, but celebrates them and supports you.
In conversations, he gives you space to speak without interrupting you or talking over you because he values your insights and views on topics. He wants to hear about your dreams so he can support you in achieving them.
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He doesn’t pressure you to compromise your boundaries such as doing anything inappropriate or of a sexual nature before marriage. He respects your boundaries and has the same boundaries himself. He wants to approach things islamically.
He respects your boundaries and keeps conversations halal during the courtship. He involves your wali throughout the process and speaks to you intentionally for marriage.
He is open in involving your Wali in phone calls and meeting in public. He has nothing to hide and answers questions asked by your or your Wali.
He respects your time and hours for communication. He doesn’t call you late night. He also doesn’t call or text you all the time, but gives you space.
If you express discomfort or feelings in a conversation, he acknowledges it and apologises and respects your boundaries. He is sensitive and respectful of your feelings.
He is happy to go at the flow that you are comfortable with and doesn’t pressure you to rush things. He understands your need for space to think and seek clarity.
When you seek clarity, he responds openly and calmly. He is happy to answer any questions you may have to help clarify any issues or misunderstandings.
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He has clear goals he wants to achieve in life. He has a vision and purpose in life that is beyond getting married. He set goals for personal development, his career, spiritual growth and health. He is a man who lives life purposely.
He shows interest in self-development and is curious about life. He has a growth mindset and has the drive to make improvements in his life. He uses his spare time to read, learn or he works with a mentor or coach.
He has a long-term plan that he is working towards. He is stable in his work and has ambition to work towards a promotion or setting up his own business. He is clear on his career path.
He does not rely heavily on others to make decisions or for directions in life. He is confident in himself to make important decisions, whilst taking into account views of others, he makes the final decision. He doesn’t rely on others to push him or motivate him. He is self-motivated and can take the role of leadership.
He has passions and hobbies that he takes part in such as working on his health, gaining Islamic knowledge, learning a new skill or serving his community. He has a sense of purpose in his life and willing helps others or his community.
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He doesn’t leave you second-guessing your personality. He accepts you as you are, including your ambitions, goals in life, how you express yourself and who you are as a whole person. You feel more supported, seen and heard with him. You feel more at peace and comfortable being yourself.
You are always authentically yourself when you are around him. You don’t shrink yourself to fit his ideal partner. He accepts you as you are and you feel emotionally and physically safe around him.
You don’t feel the need to think before you speak when you are with him. He feel safe sharing how you feel when youre down, you share your wins and ideas with him. He supports your wins, comforts you when you are down and listens to your ideas. You don’t fear being rejected by him for being yourself.
You don’t feel that you’re too much and you don’t feel the need to change yourself for him. You continue pursuing your hobbies, goals and interests because he supports your dreams in life.
He is aligned with you that you don’t feel the need to perform to seek his validation or approval. You feel accepted for being your authentic self, even on your “bad” days you feel accepted by him.
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He moves things forward steadily without rushing or delaying.
He respects your need for time and consultation.
He involves your wali/family naturally in the process.
He gives space for both of you to build trust gradually.
He shows patience without pressuring.
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He speaks respectfully about his parents and siblings and shows them honour. He doesn’t blame others for challenges he faces in life, but takes accountability.
He is proud of his family background and culture and speaks respectfully about it. He is interested in getting to know your family and meeting your wali. He understands that marriage involves two families.
Family ties are important to him. He values spending time with family and nurturing those bonds. He is respectful towards elders and playful with children.
He treats strangers with kindness and respect. He speaks to serving staff, drivers etc with good manners. He says please and thank you and treats everyone regardless of their age, background or status with respect.
He respects the time you spend with your parents and family. He asks after your family. He wants to get to know about your family and is interested in meeting them
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He is clear with you from the start about his employment and income. He is open in answering questions related to his finances and work. He is very transparent about his financial circumstances.
He is stable in his job and has a direction in where he is going in his career such as working towards a promotion or saving money to fund and expand his side business.
He lives within his means and is not financially irresponsible. He doesn’t have debts or if he does, he has a clear plan to pay it off. He is sensible when it comes to spending his money. He has built up savings as he is working towards his future goals such as getting married, buying a house and meeting the needs of his wife and any children he has.
If he has debts, he is honest with you about it and has a plan on paying of his debts and is working towards paying it off. He understands the importance of being financially stable when getting married.
He understands his Islamic responsibility to provide for his wife and children. He is financially responsible that he is able to provide for his wife and children. He doesn’t expect his wife to contribute financially unless she is willing to do so.
If he is divorced and has children, he continues to provide for his children financially and supports them. This is a sign that he is responsible and fulfils his obligation as a father and will do the same with you and any children you have.
He is ambitious, but is consistent and follows a plan. For example, if his goals are to set up a side business, he has carried out his research, prepared a business plan, has the funds in place and is putting in time to work towards his business is a sign that he is grounded and hard working.
He is comfortable and open about discussing joint financial goals, shared accounts and to understand your views on finances in the marriage. He wants to ensure that your financial goals align .
He understands the importance of mahr and is open to hearing your views on mahr and expectations too. He is open to negotiating with you and reaching a balance when it comes to mahr.
He shows balance between earning, spending, and giving.
He respects your financial independence without expectation.
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He is open in discussing his future goals and knows where he sees himself in 5 to 10 years. He can articular his future plans and vision and has a clear direction of where he wants to go in life. This is a sign that he lives his life with purpose, is able to take the lead and build with you.
If he is struggling in some areas of his religious practice, he is aware of changes he needs to make and actively takes steps to improve. For example, he is trying to complete all his 5 prayers on time. This shows that spiritual growth is important to him.
He sees marriage on a deeper level, as an act of worship and to work together as a couple to attain Jannah. He recognises the importance of building an emotional connection as well as spiritual and physical. He sees marriage as a partnership where two people come together to bring the best out of each other and to build a life together.
He acknowledges and supports your ambitions. If you want to study or start a business, he encourages you to pursue your goals and provides the support you need. He isn’t threatened by your ambitions but finds it as an attractive quality in his partner.
He is not obsessed with ensuring that you look good together to the outside world. He cares about the depth and strength of marriage, and your happiness within marriage.
He understands that a healthy marriage is built on mutual agreement and doesn’t expect you to fit a rigid role of being a fulltime homemaker. He understands that marriage is about teamwork and is willing to share household chores to ease the burden from you. He is not looking for someone to cook and clean for him, he is looking for a partnership, someone whom he can grow with.
He views marriage as a sacred bond between husband and wife and values emotional intimacy and growth with his wife. He understands marriage is beyond fulfilling duties and requires emotional safety for connection.
He cares about the Ummah and his community and willing volunteers through his local mosque, at the local food bank or helps his neighbours. He understands the importance of giving back and helping others and cares about ensuring those around him are safe and well.
He encourages you to live your life purpose and supports your dreams in life. He is curious about you and participates in your purpose, such as volunteering or leaving a legacy behind.
His goals and your goals align with your lifestyle and values. He is also willing to compromise and meet you in the middle on certain goals. He understands that in relationships sometimes compromises or meeting in the middle is required to keep the relationship strong.
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He is clear about the next steps after a few meetings, such as talking about dates to agree the marriage. He is intentional about marriage and it shows in his actions.
He is comfortable answering questions about the future, on children, where he wants to live etc. It is a sign of how he will navigate real life planning after marriage.
He responds to your questions calmly and with emotional maturity. He doesn’t get defensive to any questions you ask.
He openly discusses key marriage topics to establish compatibility. This is a sign that he is intentional about marriage.
He doesn’t pressure you into marriage, but is comfortable and open in slowing down the process and taking time to ask key questions to establish compatibility as he understands that marriage is a big decision to make.
He is comfortable involving family early on in discussions to establish compatibility and to see if families get along.
He is curious about you as a person and asks questions to get to know you better such as your goals in life, your marriage expectations and views on living arrangements and children etc.
His intention on marriage is very clear and consistent throughout courtship. You will know from the questions he asks and the steps he takes to meet you and your family. He is emotionally consistent with you throughout that you are always clear on where you stand with him.
His answers to your questions are personal and have depth. He doesn’t given you an answer to please you or to agree with you. He is honest about his values, views and opinions on different topics.
No questions you ask is too much for him. He is comfortable and open in answering questions with depth and honesty to establish compatibility for marriage.
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He is comfortable with building an emotional connection and engaging in deep conversations that require vulnerability. He acknowledges your feelings and views and is comfortable sharing the same in return. You feel emotionally safe with him.
He makes time for intentional communication and is consistent in his communication with you. He is willing to invest emotionally with you as he is curious in getting to know you and building a connection with you.
He listens to your emotions with patience and empathy.
He validates and acknowledges your feelings instead of dismissing them.
He cares about repairing after a conflict. He wants to work with you following a disagreement instead of withdrawing when things become hard. He is willing to working through the difficult times together.
He is comfortable being vulnerable with you such as sharing his fears, hopes, dreams, regrets and internal struggles. He is comfortable sharing depths of himself with you to build a true emotional connection.
He is always emotionally consistent with you. You know where you stand with him and where the relationship is going. He is always very intentional and communicates with you openly.
He understands the important of meeting emotional needs and asks about your feelings and views on topics. If your going through an internal struggle, he provides you with emotional support and is there is listen to you. He cares about your emotional well-being.
He is comfortable in expressing love and affection in a healthy way, and in a halal manner before marriage. He feels comfortable letting you know that he cares about and can express softness with you.
He values connecting emotionally with you and tries to meet your emotional needs. He doesn’t see expressing emotions as a sign of weakness, but as strength.
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He doesn’t use Islam to justify controlling or manipulating you. But he believes in respecting and showing your honour through Islamic principles.
He doesn’t through polygamy at you and understands the responsibility that comes with polygamy.
He supports your emotional or psychological needs, for example if you’re seeing a therapist or counsellor, he shows empathy and compassion, and support towards your healing.
He doesn’t use Islam to deflect accountability of his actions. He is conscious of Allah and his words and actions are inline with Islamic principles.
He follows Islamic principle by practising good character towards you and others. He is not judgemental or critical in what you wear or your religious practice. He understands your spiritual growth is your unique journey and he supportive of your spiritual growth.
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You feel safe and at peace with him. You never feel judged or criticized by him on your level of modesty, religious practice and they way you choose to live life. You feel accepted for who are in life and supported for the personal growth you choose to make.
In every conversation you feel like your authentic self, you feel seen and heard by him and feel safe.
He doesn’t leave you feeling confused after speaking with him. You feel uplifted, at peace and you are clear on where things are going.
You feel energised after speaking or meeting him. You feel like you can be yourself around him and share your feelings and views without being put down. His energy matches yours. You look forward to speaking with him again.
You feel more connected spiritually after speaking with him. You feel that you are getting closer to Allah and making spiritual improvements in yourself. You notice that you are more connected in your acts of worship and he reminds you to become closer to Allah.
You feel comfortable setting boundaries with him and letting him know when you discomfort. He respects your feelings and you don’t feel you have to walk on eggshells around him.
He doesn’t treat you like his therapist and unloads emotional baggage on you, like pain from his previous relationship or family problems. He has worked through his past trauma or seeking therapy for this. His conversations with you are intentional, meaningful and balanced.
Conversation with him are balanced. There are times where you both share your stresses and frustrations, but your conversations are mainly spaces where you share joy, laughter and your vision in life.
You feel emotionally safe around him. You are your authentic self. You are not guarded when you are with him. You feel peaceful and uplifted when you speak or meet him.
Your body feels relaxed when you are around him or speak to him. You feel comfortable expressing your feelings and views. You enjoy speaking to him and can talk for hours on end. You feel safe, seen and heard with him. You feel at home with him.
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