The Red Flag Bank
Here is a collection of red flags to be mindful of when courting for marriage. These are warning signs that may indicate deeper issues and help you avoid future heartache.
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He avoids commitment conversations and dodges questions about marriage timelines or long-term plans.
He keeps conversations vague and doesn’t make plans to meet your family or wali.
He treats the connection casually, like it’s just “talking” rather than purposeful.
He is reluctant or unwilling to involve your wali or parents at the right stage.
He makes no clear plans to meet in person and drags his feet when it comes to setting a date or making practical arrangements.
His effort is inconsistent. He only reaches out to you when it's convenient for him and doesn’t make space in his life for you.
He gives you just enough attention to keep you around whilst possibly entertaining others.
He talks about love or intimacy too early on and avoids the real steps of commitment.
He rarely talks about future goals, building a home together, or shared responsibilities.
Months of even years pass by with no progress toward marriage. He may say “I’m not ready yet” but makes no effort to prepare.
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He is hot and cold in his communication. One week he’s calling and messaging daily and the next week he disappears without an explanation.
He flirts with you when texting or calling or bring up topics that are of a sexual nature or are inappropriate.
He doesn’t ask questions and only keeps conversations at surface level. He says things like he gets to know about your personality through general conversations. However, a man who doesn’t ask questions could be that he is not emotionally ready or avoiding building a connection.
He’s love bombing you by constantly texting or calling you and sending long and intense messages only after a few conversation. He idealises you by putting you on a pedestal, calling you perfect and that he has never met anyone like you. He gets emotionally attached early on without building a real connection or understanding your values.
He takes too long to respond to your messages. He frequently leaves you on read or takes days to reply, even though you know he’s active online.
He is a poor listener and dismisses or ignores what you say. You bring up something important and he forgets it or changes the subject. He doesn’t acknowledge your concerns or repeats behaviours you've already explained upset you.
He only contacts you when he’s bored, lonely, or has free time, but doesn’t prioritise consistent connection.
He talks over you during a conversation and interrupts you mid-sentence or finishes your sentence for you. He doesn’t let you fully express yourself before jumping in with his own opinion.
He dominates conversations that you find every discussion turns into a monologue about himself and his views. He rarely asks about your thoughts, feelings or perspective. You’re left feeling unheard and emotionally drained.
When you are in a disagreement, he talks over you to get his views across. He raises his voice or rushes to correct you instead of listening first. He gets defensive before you even finished your point.
He competes with you rather than connecting with you in conversations. He tries to “one – up” your experience with his own stories.
He talks at you and not with you. He dominates the conversation and doesn’t ask about your thoughts, feelings, or perspective.
If communicating in person, he appears distracted or disengaged. He frequently looks at his phone or looks elsewhere. He changes topics when you’re speaking. He nods his head but isn’t processing what you’re saying.
He is overly private or secretive by providing vague answers to questions asked about his life or gets defensive to questions asked. He refuses to share details that are necessary for a serious courtship. He won’t share his full name or any public information that can verify him.
He refuses to talk about his past, including his previous marriage, divorce or serious relationships. He refuses to share information about where he works or the area he lives.
You find that he shares conflicting stories. For example you asked him a question about his divorce and he gave two different accounts.
He doesn’t want to involve your wali or a trusted third party in conversations and wants to keep the communication hidden.
He is unwilling to connect deeply and keeps himself distant. He rarely shares how he feels or avoids emotional topics altogether. He comes across as emotionally flat or indifferent, even when discussing big topics like marriage or life purpose.
He avoids talking about the future and doesn’t like to discuss plans, vision or how he sees marriage playing out. He deflects or becomes uncomfortable when you ask questions about commitment, responsibilities, or values.
He describes vague past relationships or engagements with no real clarity or closure - “It just didn’t work out.”
He shuts down or goes silent if you express feelings or concerns. You feel like you’re “too much” for him whenever you need emotional support.
He gaslights you after disagreements that he makes you doubt your feelings.
He seems disconnected in conversations. The conversations feel surface-level or transactional. You find yourself doing all the emotional work, trying to "pull" connection from him.
He has poor communication patterns. Sometimes he replies immediately, other times disappears for days without an explanation. He bread crumbs when texting and he takes too long to text you back.
He gives you vague or confusing answers. He avoids direct answers when asked about his intentions, timeline, or vision for marriage. He says things like “Let’s just see where this goes.” You leave conversations with more questions than clarity.
He is passive- aggressive or emotionally distance. He stops responding after a tough conversation or he sends cold or one-word replies when something’s wrong instead of expressing it.
He dismisses or minimises your concerns telling you that you’re overthinking or that its not that deep. This leaves you feeling guilty or embarrassed for even speaking up.
He struggles to handle disagreements. He shuts down or becomes defensive. He has to "win" every conversation instead of finding mutual understanding.
He either takes days to reply to a simple question or floods your phone with messages after messages and expects an instant response from you. Both extremes show a lack of healthy communication rhythm.
He never apologises when he is in the wrong and puts the blame on you.
He is resistant to feedback. He gets defensive or shuts down if you express concern or set a boundary.
He says he’s serious about marriage, but his communication style doesn’t reflect consistency or effort.
He shows strong interest when he fears losing you, then pulls back once you re-engage.
You’re always the one initiating calls or messages, while he rarely takes the lead.
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He tells you he is serious about marriage but delays getting family involved, doesn’t set timelines and avoids discussions on compatibility. His words say he is “serious” but his actions say he is “unavailable”.
He gives you mixed signals. One week he’s warm and emotionally open, the next he’s cold or distant. He keeps shifting between “I really like you” and “I need space.” You’re left guessing what the relationship even is.
He is inconsistent in Islamic standards. He quotes hadiths and insists on religious observance, but privately breaks Islamic boundaries by sending flirty text messages and being emotional manipulative. He is using religion selectively, usually to serve his ego or desires.
He keeps changing his story. One day he says he wants to live abroad but later he says he’s committed to staying local. His unstable narratives makes it hard to trust his sense of direction.
He disappears and reappears without an explanation. He vanishes for days or weeks, then returns like nothing happened. He offers a vague explanation such as “I was busy” or “I needed time.” He is avoiding accountability and emotional responsibility
He over-promises but under-delivers consistently.
He delays introducing you to his family or support system for vague reasons. He doesn’t seem to have anyone willing to vouch for him or his intentions.
He creates a false sense of urgency to get married quickly by saying things like other sisters are interested to pressure you into deciding quickly.
He frames delay as a sign of doubt or weakness in faith.
He is constantly late or cancels plans.
He breaks promises often.
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He doesn’t have a growth mindset. He doesn’t reflect on or learn from past mistakes - talks about a failed engagement or job loss without taking any personal responsibility.
He refuses to go to therapy even though he has been through a lot of trauma. He says he doesn’t need it. His refusal to get help could signal that he is not ready for the emotional demands of marriage which requires vulnerability and a willingness to grow.
He always blames others for things that went wrong in past relationships or life situations. He makes excuses instead of acknowledging personal growth areas.
He never admits his mistakes or shortcomings.
He becomes very defensiveness whenever you raise a concern.
He plays the victim card constantly.
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He speaks down to you, dismisses your opinions or corrects you constantly, even when you’re speaking about your own experiences. He over -explains Islamic concepts in a condescending tone, assuming you know nothing.
He interrupts you or talks over you.
He acts like he’s doing you a favour and treats you as if you need to earn his attention, instead of viewing marriage as a mutual commitment.
He constantly brags about his accomplishments, education, status, or wealth. He talks about how many women are interested in him and says things like “You’re lucky I chose you.” He frames himself as the “prize” you should be grateful for.
He is spiritually arrogant by judging your level of religiosity while exaggerating his own. He uses Islamic language to mask ego, e.g. “I have such taqwa, I can’t tolerate sisters who don’t meet my standards.
He lacks respect for others. He speaks disrespectfully about women in general or those who’ve rejected him. He shows no humility about his past mistakes or areas for growth.
He is quick to lose his temper and get angry, he lashes out, or guilts-trip you. He says things like “maybe I should just stop trying with you”. He punishes you emotionally by withdrawing, ghosting, or using silence as a weapon.
He overreacts to small disagreements. He gets unusually upset over minor things, like a delayed response or a simple “no.” He reacts emotionally instead of discussing issues calmly.
He has aggressive communication patterns. You find him sending long, angry voice notes or texts when he is upset. He uses ALL CAPS, harsh language, or emotional threats during disagreements.
He tries to "settle" conflict quickly, but in a controlling or pressuring way: “You need to fix this now or it’s over.”
He raises his voice during a discussion for example if you have a disagreement you find that he raises is voice to get his point across.
He struggles to handle frustration. He becomes easily irritated when things don’t go his way (e.g., delays in meetings, questions about his background). He complains constantly about others exes, family, co-workers as if everyone is out to get him.
He uses Islam to justify his angry reactions. He says things like “You’re provoking me Muslim women shouldn’t talk like that.” He demands obedience or silence instead of respectful discussion.
He has disproportionate emotional swings. One day he’s charming and sweet, the next he’s cold, critical, or lashing out. He apologizes after outbursts but keeps repeating the same patterns.
He speaks disrespectfully or negatively about women.
He shows arrogance or superiority, especially about his gender.
He disrespects waiters, family, or others in front of you (how he treats people is telling).
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He shows signs of controlling behaviour masked as “protectiveness”. He may suggest you dress a certain way or doesn’t like you going out or spending your time with your friends.
He uses guilt or shame to influence your decisions.
He wants access to your private messages/social media right away.
He tries to isolate you from friends or family.
He makes you feel like you’re “too emotional” or “overreacting.”
He uses spiritual manipulation to silence you or assert control.
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He blames his ex -wife/ex-fiancée entirely for the breakup with no acknowledgment of his own role.
He speaks bitterly or disrespectfully about exes.
If he’s had multiple brief engagements or marriages that ended suddenly with little effort at repair or seeking counselling. This may signal poor conflict resolution skills, unrealistic expectations, or a dismissive approach to commitment.
If he's evasive about his past marriage(s), avoids discussing what went wrong, or gets defensive when asked. Transparency about past mistakes is key to emotional integrity and intentional marriage.
If he has a history of multiple relationships outside of marriage and downplays them—or says “everyone does it.” This is problematic not because of past sins, but because of lack of remorse, accountability, or sincere change.
He has a pattern of using religion selectively. For example, quoting “four wives are allowed” while ignoring the requirements of justice, emotional maturity, and financial responsibility. Or using Islam to justify control, but ignoring Islamic adab in how he treated past spouses.
If he’s aged 35+, never married, and wants a woman 10 years + younger, “never married, beautiful, religious, earning, and obedient”—he may be chasing an ideal rather than preparing for a real, reciprocal marriage.
If he’s avoided serious commitment well into his 30s/40s, with vague explanations like “timing wasn’t right,” yet shows no clear growth or intention now it could be a red flag.
If he fondly recalls past girlfriends, emotional bonds, or ex-wives in a way that suggests emotional attachment is still present.
He doesn’t take responsibility for his role in failed relationships.
There are no signs of learning or growth from past mistakes.
He is rushing for a quick Nikah without asking meaningful questions or discussing values/compatibility may signal (a) wanting marriage for personal needs (visa, finances, physical desires) or (b) avoiding deep conversations or scrutiny.
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He minimises or mocks Islam. He makes jokes about religious rulings (e.g., hijab, salah, or gender interaction). He sows discomfort when you talk about your spiritual goals.
He treats marriage more as a status or tradition rather than an act of worship. He says things like: “My parents just want me to marry someone from our culture — deen doesn’t really matter.” He isn’t open to building an Islamic home rooted in shared worship, character, and adab.
He lacks basic commitment to the pillars of Islam. He doesn’t pray or fast and has no plan to improve. He says things like: “I’m not really into prayer — I connect with Allah in my own way.” He doesn’t understand or accept the importance of halal boundaries during courtship (e.g., wali involvement, modest interaction).
He dismisses scholars or Islamic guidance unless it fits his opinion. He quotes hadith or Qur’an out of context to control or shame you. He says things like “As a Muslim wife, you have to obey me no matter what.” He doesn't believe in seeking knowledge or spiritual growth together as a couple.
He focuses more on control, rules, and punishment than mercy, balance, and growth. He uses Islam to dominate or silence rather than to uplift and guide.
He avoids involving a wali, Islamic premarital counselling, or open discussion about shared faith goals. He doesn’t want to discuss how the couple will grow spiritually.
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He has no clear personal or spiritual goals. He doesn’t know what he wants in life beyond “getting married.” He says things like “I haven’t really thought that far ahead” or “I’ll figure it out once I’m married.” He doesn’t set goals for spiritual growth, career, family, or self-development.
He has no interest in growth or self-improvement. He lacks curiosity or drive to improve himself in deen, mindset, or life skills. He rejects feedback or growth conversations. He has no reading, learning, mentorship, or development practices.
He has an unstable or disconnected lifestyle. He frequently changes jobs, goals, or plans with no explanation or follow-through. He avoids responsibility or long-term planning. He makes impulsive decisions without consideration for long-term consequences.
He is vague or passive about his marriage intentions. He can’t describe what kind of household, relationship, or future he wants to build. He hasn't reflected on his role as a husband, or what leadership in marriage looks like in Islam.
He is dependent on others for direction. He relies heavily on parents, friends, or circumstances to decide his life path. He waits for someone else (like a wife) to give him purpose or push him forward.
He has no passion or drive for anything. He doesn’t light up when talking about anything — career, faith, learning, or service. He lacks a sense of mission or meaning, even in small ways (e.g. helping others, building community, contributing to something greater than himself).
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He belittles your career, education or goals. He says things like:
“Why are you so focused on work? Your real job should be in the kitchen.”
“You’re too ambitious no man wants a woman who thinks like that.”
“All these degrees but still single, what’s the point?”
He mocks or undermines your religious leadership or service. He says things like:
“Sisters shouldn’t be giving talks or being visible leave that to the men.”
“You’re too focused on da’wah. Once you’re married, you’ll have no time for that.”
He rejects your vision of balance and says things like:
“You can’t be a good wife and have a job choose one.”
“Your priorities will have to change once you’re under my roof.”
“All this personal development stuff is just a distraction from being a proper wife.”
He uses religion to confine you to a narrow role. He says things like “As a Muslim wife, your place is in the home, full stop.” He cherry-picks Islamic texts to justify rigid control instead of mutual support and growth.
He competes with you or feels intimidated by your success. He dismisses your achievements as irrelevant or “not feminine.”
He minimises your voice in conversations by interrupting, talking over you, or dismisses your thoughts as "emotional." He avoids deep conversations about your dreams, assuming they’re irrelevant.
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He pushes for inappropriate emotional intimacy early. He insists on deep, overly personal conversations before involving your wali.
He tries to justify casual texting, private calls, or meeting alone under “getting to know each other.” He gets annoyed when you suggest involving your wali or doing things the Islamic way.
He makes you feel guilty for setting limits and responds with passive-aggressive comments like - “I guess you’re just not ready for marriage then.” Or “You’re making this too complicated.” He acts distant or cold when you reinforce your boundaries.
He doesn’t respect your time or communication limits. He repeatedly messages or calls outside of agreed times. He doesn’t honour your need for space or clarity between conversations.
He ignores your discomfort or feelings in conversation. He says things like “You need to relax, I was just joking.” He sees sarcasm or jokes to dismiss your serious concerns.
He controls the flow of the relationship and refuses to go at a pace you're comfortable with.
He gets defensive when you ask for clarity. He responds with confusion or irritation when you try to define boundaries. He avoids accountability and flips it onto you.
He disregards your emotional or spiritual readiness and dismisses your concerns, hesitation, or desire to take time. He tries to guilt you into quick decisions with emotional pressure or Islamic guilt-tripping.
He doesn’t respect your pace and becomes irritated, distant, or withdrawn when you ask to slow down. He tries to turn things into ultimatums and says things like “I need to kow now, or I’ll have to look elsewhere.”
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He lies about his marital status. He says he’s single, but later you find out he’s divorced, separated, or even still married. He delays telling you he has children until much later in the process.
He lies about basic information about himself such as his age and background. He falsifies his educational, work, or immigration details. If he lies about the basics, what else is he hiding?
He is not honest about his intentions. He pretends to be looking for marriage, but is really seeking emotional validation, a rebound, or a secret halal-dating setup. He is using the nikah process for non-marital intentions which is deeply dishonest.
He is caught telling conflicting stories about his past or present. For example he tells you you’re the only one he’s speaking to, but he is actively pursuing multiple women. Lack of consistency = lack of transparency = lack of trust.
He doesn’t directly lie but withholds key information until cornered on topics such as past addictions, financial debt, prior engagements or failed nikahs. Withholding truth during a marriage search is a breach of integrity.
He avoids answering direct questions or changes the subject.
He hides important aspects of his life from you such as his job, family situation, past relationships.
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You start second-guessing your personality. You feel like you're "too much" too ambitious, too expressive, too vocal. You find yourself asking - “Am I the problem?” or “Maybe I do need to be more quiet/less driven/more traditional…” This often signals you’re being subtly conditioned to shrink parts of yourself.
You feel guilty for being yourself. When you express your opinions, passions, or goals, you feel guilt or shame. You tone yourself down to “keep the peace” or avoid judgment. In a healthy courtship, you should feel free to be authentically you — not apologetic for it.
You edit yourself constantly. You rehearse your words before saying them. You avoid topics you care about because you're afraid of being “too much” or “too different.” You hide your wins, ideas, or emotions to avoid being criticised. This can signal emotional suppression and a fear of being rejected for who you truly are.
You feel spiritually compromised. You start questioning your level of deen, your boundaries, or your spiritual lifestyle — not because you want to grow, but because you feel pressure to conform. You ask: “Am I being too strict?” or “Maybe I should loosen up my standards to keep him interested…” Your values should not feel negotiable just to maintain someone else’s comfort.
You lose joy in what once brought you life. You no longer engage in the things you loved because you feel they won’t be “valued” or “approved” by him. You begin to feel disconnected from your own identity. That’s a major signal that your individuality is being dimmed in the process.
You constantly feel you need to earn his approval. You walk on eggshells, hoping you’ll “get it right” this time. You change your opinions, interests, or even appearance based on what he reacts positively to. A man who’s truly aligned with you doesn’t make you feel like you need to perform for love or validation.
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He speaks harshly or sarcastically about his parents or siblings. He constantly blames them for his current challenges instead of reflecting with maturity. If he can’t show basic honour to the people who raised him, how will he treat a future wife?
He makes rude or judgmental comments about your family’s background, culture, or choices. He shows no interest in getting to know your loved ones or meeting your wali with respect. Marriage is not just about two individuals — it’s about two families. Disrespect here signals control and ego.
He dismisses the importance of family ties and makes it clear he doesn’t value spending time with family or nurturing those bonds. He downplays the Islamic importance of maintaining family ties and honouring elders.
He is rude or condescending to strangers. He talks over people in public settings (servers, staff, delivery drivers). He uses a sharp or entitled tone, never says please or thank you. He makes fun of others behind their backs or judges people harshly. How someone treats people they don’t need anything from is a reflection of their true character.
He invalidates or controls your family loyalty. He gets jealous when you prioritize your parents or try to balance family time. He says things like “When we get married, don’t expect me to hang out with your family.” He tries to create distance between you and your loved ones under the guise of “marital unity.” Islam encourages unity and balance — not isolation or manipulation.
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He is unclear or vague about his income and employment. He avoids questions about his job, income, or how he sustains himself. This is a red flag not because of wealth level, but because of lack of transparency. Vague answers often hide instability, debt, or dependency.
He frequently job hops without a clear reason. If he changes jobs every few months with stories of always being “misunderstood,” “undervalued,” or “had issues with management.” This can signal a lack of professional stability, responsibility, or conflict resolution.
He is living well above his means and has irresponsible spending habits such as impulsive buys, gambling, addictions. He is always dining out or spending big, but with no real savings or backup. This often reflects a need to impress or escape reality, not grounded living.
He has no savings, no budget, no financial plan. Has never thought about budgeting, saving, or future family needs. He doesn’t think about mahr, housing, children's needs, or emergencies.
He keeps debt (e.g., student loans, credit cards, or unpaid bills) a secret or says things like “Don’t worry, it’s not your business” when asked about financial responsibilities. Hidden debt = hidden stress + a lack of honesty. It affects both partners' financial future.
He expects his wife to provide financially without her willingness. He expects her to split rent or cover bills yet still wants to be treated as the head of the household. A husband is obligated to financially maintain his wife unless she freely chooses otherwise.
He has no financial support history (if divorced with kids). If he's divorced and has children but does not pay child support or assist financially — or avoids the topic entirely. This reflects how he fulfils obligations and treats responsibility even after a relationship ends.
He has business or “hustle” mentality without results. He is constantly launching new ventures, but no follow-through. He might be "always about to start something big" but has nothing stable to show for it. Ambition is great, but without consistency, it’s often a form of escapism.
He avoids discussing joint financial goals, shared accounts, or what “financial partnership” means to him. Financial secrecy can lead to major marriage breakdowns. Islam emphasizes clear contracts, rights, and fairness.
He downplays the importance of Mahr. He acts like mahr is a “formality” or something that “shouldn’t matter if you’re sincere.” He may offer something symbolic but refuses to negotiate based on her needs or requests. A man who downplays mahr may also ignore other rights.
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He avoids discussing future goals. He shuts down or changes the subject when you ask about where he sees himself in 5–10 years, family roles, or personal growth. If he can’t articulate a vision, he won’t be able to lead or grow with you.
He has a passive approach to deen or spiritual growth. He says things like “I'm not that religious, but I’m a good person,” yet shows no intention of improving or seeking knowledge. If spiritual growth is important to you, his complacency can lead to spiritual disconnection over time.
He rejects the idea of marriage as a spiritual partnership. He sees marriage mainly as a means for physical needs, domestic help, or status—without recognizing the emotional, spiritual, or purpose-driven aspects. Marriage in Islam is a sakinah-based bond, not just a contract or role division.
He wants a marriage that looks good, not feels good. He prioritizes image over authenticity: success, status, community approval, but no depth behind the scenes. He may be overly concerned with appearances on social media, community status, or how things “should look.”
His views roles in a rigid, inflexible way. He expects you to fit a fixed mould (e.g., “Wife = full-time homemaker, no questions asked”) without discussion or shared planning. Healthy marriages are built on mutual agreement, not inherited assumptions.
He doesn’t value emotional connection or inner work. He believes marriage is about fulfilling duties, not understanding or emotional support. If emotional safety and intentional growth matter to you, this mismatch can feel deeply lonely.
He has no desire to contribute to the ummah or community. No volunteer work, mentorship, service, or even a sense of giving back. He is only focused on personal comfort or gain. If your purpose includes impact or community contribution, misalignment here will cause long-term discontent.
He doesn’t respect boundaries around your life mission. He wants you to shrink, pivot, or abandon your purpose to suit his path or preferences. He may see your work, service, or passions as a threat rather than a gift. A man who supports, protects, and even participates in your purpose.
He’s driven — but not in a compatible direction. He has strong goals (e.g., building a business, moving abroad, living off-grid), but they conflict with your lifestyle, values, or calling—and he’s unwilling to find middle ground. Two good people can still be a bad match if they're moving toward different futures.
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He avoids defining the relationship or next steps after multiple meetings or serious conversations. In Islam, intentionality is core to marriage. Vague answers signal a lack of direction.
He changes the subject when you ask about the future. You ask about his 5–10 year vision, lifestyle preferences, or views on children—and he redirects, jokes, or gets uncomfortable. If he can’t engage in these conversations now, how will he navigate real-life planning post-marriage
He gets defensive or says “you’re overthinking”. He responds to your practical, respectful questions with:
“Why are you making this so serious?”
“Can’t we just enjoy the process?”
Gaslighting or dismissing your questions creates emotional imbalance from the start.
He avoids discussing key marriage topics. He won’t engage on major compatibility factors like:
Where to live (e.g., country, city, near in-laws)
Finances, roles in the home
Children, mahr, in-law boundaries
These aren’t "too deep" — they are necessary.
He wants to rush nikah but won’t answer basic compatibility questions Rushing while dodging important questions is often a cover for pressure, neediness, or hidden motives (e.g. visa, loneliness, control).
He avoids involving family or mentors in early discussions Says things like “My family doesn’t need to be involved until later.” Marriage is not a private fling. In Islam, transparency and process matter — not secrecy.
He doesn’t ask you questions about compatibility either. He shows no curiosity about your values, expectations, life goals — just surface-level chatter or vague admiration. A man who isn’t interested in who you are beyond looks and personality is likely not planning long-term.
He has an unclear or shifting story about his intentions. One day says he’s looking to marry, another day says “not yet ready”. Emotional inconsistency creates confusion and delay, which can drain your energy and clarity.
He gives answers that sound scripted or too perfect. He agrees with everything you say but offers no depth or personal input. He may be saying what you want to hear without truly thinking about how aligned you are.
He pressures you to stop asking “heavy” questions. Compatibility isn’t “vibes”—it’s about conscious decision-making, which Islam encourages through questions and consultation.
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He avoids vulnerability or deep conversations. You try to talk about feelings, values, past wounds, or spiritual growth, and he deflects, shuts down, or gets uncomfortable.
He’s consistently “too busy” or unavailable. He makes little time for intentional communication. He frequently disappears for days or weeks with minimal explanation. Availability reflects emotional investment. Disappearing regularly is emotional neglect.
He doesn’t validate or acknowledge your emotions. He responds to your feelings with:
“You’re being too sensitive.”
“Don’t make a big deal out of it.”
Or simply gives no response at all.
Emotional invalidation over time can lead to self-doubt and resentment.
He doesn’t know (or care) how to repair after conflict. He withdraws instead of working through disagreements. He may ghost, stonewall, or say “this is too much” when things get hard.
He only shares surface-level information about himself. He talks about his job, hobbies, or Islamic opinions—but not about his fears, regrets, goals, or internal struggles. True connection comes from emotional transparency, not just facts.
He keeps you emotionally guessing. You’re often confused about where you stand. He has hot and cold behaviour: affectionate one week, distant the next. Emotional inconsistency is often a sign of avoidance or fear of commitment.
He downplays the importance of emotional needs. Islam does honour emotional well-being, mutual kindness, not just role fulfilment.
He can’t express love or affection in a healthy way. He may struggle to say “I care about you,” show empathy, or express softness—even when appropriate. Or he says those things in a forced, mechanical way. Marriage requires emotional expression, not emotional shutdown.
He has a history of short-lived, distant, or disconnected relationships. Past relationships lacked depth or were filled with detachment, ghosting, or emotional neglect. Patterns often repeat unless healing has happened.
He dismisses or minimizes your feelings when you share.
He sees emotional connection as a “woman’s thing”. He believes emotions are irrational, feminine, or un-Islamic. He rejects your emotional language or needs as unnecessary. The Prophet ﷺ openly expressed love, grief, and vulnerability. Emotional connection is a sunnah, not a weakness.
He seems detached, distant, or guarded — walls up.
He doesn’t ask about your inner world such as your feelings, thoughts, struggles.
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He blames you for “not being religious enough” if you raise concerns. Faith should elevate a marriage, not be weaponized to silence emotional needs.
He is pushing for polygamy without justice or transparency — then citing religion. Islam allows polygamy with strict conditions, including fairness and emotional care — not coercion.
He is using guilt to push a nikah when you're not ready. Hastening marriage without due diligence under religious pressure denies your right to clarity and agency.
He is mocking your emotional or psychological needs as “un-islamic”. He says things like “Therapy is for people who don’t rely on Allah.” Islam encourages emotional compassion, healing, and support — not shame.
He is using religion to avoid accountability. He says things like “Only Allah can judge me.” Islam calls for accountability and justice— not using religious language to deflect consequences..
He is gaslighting under the guise of “good islamic advice”. He says things like “I’m just advising you for your own good, sister.” Or “You should be grateful I’m helping you get closer to Allah.” True Islamic advice comes with compassion and humility — not power or ego.
He overemphasis religious appearances while neglecting character. He is very focused on what you wear, how you look, or ritual practices — but emotionally cold, disrespectful, or aggressive. Islam prioritizes akhlaq (character) — not just image.
He is using fear of Allah to control rather than inspire. Fear of Allah should be rooted in love, awe, and sincerity — not intimidation or control.
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You always feel the need to defend yourself. You constantly have to explain your choices, beliefs, or intentions. He questions your level of religiosity, modesty, or knowledge in a way that feels critical rather than curious. You leave the conversation feeling judged or “not good enough.”
He turns every conversation into a debate or lecture. Even light discussions become theological arguments or one-sided lectures. You feel like you're being corrected more than you’re being seen or heard. You start to feel disconnected from the beauty of Islam—and from yourself.
You feel smaller or more confused after speaking to him. Instead of feeling uplifted or at peace, you feel more insecure, uncertain, or anxious. You start second-guessing your own values, goals, or worth. Your clarity is replaced with emotional fog.
Your energy is depleted after every call or meeting. Even short conversations leave you emotionally tired or spiritually heavy. You feel like you’ve been “performing” or “managing his emotions” the entire time. It takes hours or days to “recover” after talking to him.
You feel spiritually disconnected around him. Your connection to prayer, dhikr, or du'a weakens when you're around him. You notice you’ve stopped doing things that used to bring you spiritual peace. You feel more distracted, not more devoted.
You walk on eggshells. You're afraid to bring up how you feel, set boundaries, or express a difference of opinion. You worry that being honest will “ruin the mood”. Your authentic self is slowly disappearing.
He over-shares or trauma-dumps, then disappears. He unloads emotional baggage on you (e.g., past pain, family problems) but never asks how you are. You become his emotional crutch—but he offers no support in return. You feel used, not connected.
Conversations are always problem-centred, never heart-centred. All interactions revolve around his stress, grievances, or frustrations—with no space for joy, purpose, or vision. You feel spiritually stagnant or even burdened.
You feel guilt-tripped in the name of “islamic advice”. He wraps criticism in “naseeha,” but it feels more like policing or superiority. You leave conversations questioning your worth, not feeling guided. You feel distant from both yourself and Allah.
You don’t feel safe enough to just be yourself. You’re performing a “better version” of yourself to meet his expectations. Your inner peace, silliness, or softness disappears when he’s around. You feel emotionally guarded and spiritually unsettled.
Your body reacts when you’re around him or speak to him. You feel unsettled or uncomfortable. You can’t wait to get away from him or end the call. Pay attention to your physical reaction and how your body feels with you communicate with him, it’s a sign that you don’t feel safe and that something isn’t right.
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He pushes for a quick nikah before you’ve had time to properly assess.
He avoids letting you involve your wali/family in the process.
He makes you feel guilty if you ask for time to think.
He uses “fear of missing out” tactics — “you’ll regret losing me.”
He overwhelms you with affection/attention early (love bombing).
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